It’s a scary word. A stressful word. It is a concept that I have been dealing with a lot the past few weeks. In one sense of the word in particular: relationships.
A few things you should know: I am a control freak. And I have horribly anxiety. This is exacerbated when I am not in control. Let us just some it up with: I don’t like not knowing what is going on. Drives me nuts. I think this is also why I have such problems with surprises. Also, two and half of my close friends are engaged. I already told you about VetChick. My friend’s E and T are getting married in November. And the ½ refers to TeachG who will be getting engaged by the end of the year*.
Needless to say, I am surrounded by weddings. And so it comes up, maybe a little too much, in conversation with MrGrizz. He is starting to get annoyed. Very annoyed. He has some friends who are married, some who are engaged, and some who are getting divorced. He doesn’t think too highly of marriage. Mainly (I think) because his mother keeps badgering him about when he is going to “settle down.”
This is really frustrating for me. I know his stances on it. Which can be easily summed up as: Most people rush in to these kinds of things or settle, because getting married and procreating are what we're "supposed" to do. Live your life and share it with someone if you want to, not because you "have" to.
I have always said that I want a marriage not a wedding. So I should be happy with just sharing my life with someone else.
Please excuse the fact that my thoughts are a little all over the place with this post. A) It’s a Monday B) I haven’t fully figured out how I feel about all of this and C) I don’t know, but it seemed like there should be a C.
On one hand, I so do not feel ready for marriage. With anyone. I am selfish and self-centered and like doing my own thing. But in the same sense, am I ever going to feel ready?
Yes, weddings and babies do keep coming up in conversation between MrGrizz and me. That is what my friends are going through, with me by their sides. Yes a few times we have talked about it in regards to ‘us.’ But I don’t feel like I’m pushing or nagging. I am just worried that he does.
I realized about halfway through this I really need to learn to gather my thoughts before I write blog posts!! I will rethink what it is I am actually trying to say, and then repost.
Mental note: Must get better at this blogging thing.
*She and her boyfriend are moving in together in September with the understanding there will be a formal engagement within a few months.
UPDATE (written 2 hrs after above)
Things not to do: Text your SO in the middle of the day saying you want to talk about something but not now.
Within 30 seconds of reading the text, you will get a phone call.
Oh goodness, the things I put MrGrizz through. So we just chatted about marriage, without ever saying the word mind you. He had his nervous uncomfortable laugh. I was mortified and weird on the phone. Basically we agreed to not talk about weddings/marriage/"settling down" in regards to us. It is OK to discuss our friends etc. though.
I knew he had been feeling uncomfortable about this for awhile. Being surrounded by weddings. I could tell it affected him. I don't know if he knew that, until I told him that is how he felt. Ha.
But when someone tells you not to think about elephants, what is the first thing you think about? ELEPHANTS!
Have I told you that he and I have only been together 2.5 months. Oh crap, now you all probably think I am a crazy person. But he was the first one to bring it up about 2 months ago when he asked me if I wanted to elope. I truly believe that when couples start talking about the future too early on, they doom their relationship. There is then too much pressure. It cannot be lived up to. In the same sense, I do think it is important that both people know from where the other is coming. Ugh, so complicated!!
I feel like a walking contradiction. I don't to rush anything, and want to let things naturally progress, but now that I am not supposed to think about it or talk about it, it seems to be the only thing on my mind.
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