To elope or not to elope...

Two friends of mine got married on Monday (5-24) in Washington DC! I had been friends with AA since I first started grad school and remember when she met her now wife S. After a few years of dating and cohabitation they decided to head down to DC to make it official - since it is still not legal in PA (that is a whole different post and don't even get me started). They had a wonderful ceremony at the court house. Now to the question: would you consider a court house wedding an elopement?

AA and S had been planning for months and their families were present. I would consider it a Courthouse wedding. But then what counts as an elopement? Not telling anyone? Deciding last minute? Having only witnesses present?

On my old blog I found this post (originally written Feb 2009):

Friends of mine are getting married. A lot of them. While I enjoy a pretty dress and amazing party just like anyone, the stress that I see them all going through is insane. When my future husband turns up, he will: share my sense of humor, get my motor going, enjoy being my travel companion, love me unconditionally, etc, etc... When marriage is proposed, I'll also propose something else: eloping.

Here's one plan, but it's just a start. If he has another in mind, I'm completely open.

1. Find a place we both want to go for a vacation. A relaxing vacation, mind you, not an adventure like Peru or Baluchistan. Hawaii springs to mind, or the mountains in Colorado. Somewhere romantic.
2. Ask another couple along. Or a few best friends. We'll need witnesses and someone to take the photos (possibly a photographer friend), and to share the secret. These folks will need to be low maintenance, get-along types. After all, we won't be spending much time with them. Dinner and the odd afternoon perhaps.
3. Arrange a civil ceremony a day or so in advance of the elopement, if leaving home. I'm not sure just how legal a wedding in (St Lucia) is for non (St Lucians).
4. Make all travel at decent times of the day. No hurry. How many couples leave their wedding reception at midnight or later, rush to a hotel, and are up again at 5:00 am for a flight somewhere? No sir. If necessary, we'll stay in a hotel here for a couple of nights before leaving.
5. Announce the event has taken place by inviting people to a party when we return. Something along the lines of "Come to a party at _______ and Wishful Thinker's place, we're celebrating." When everyone has gathered, announce that we're married so we can get stuck into the champagne.
6. No gifts. Wedding Registries irk me. How presumptuous to list what we want you to buy us? Sheesh, I dislike that. If you don't know us well enough to buy something thoughtful, then forget about it. Eloping circumvents all that. Hm, ok maybe some gifts.
7. Minimum angst. My experience of weddings is that frayed tempers are a part of the deal. If this is to be the best day of our lives, I don't want any part of the marital-industrial complex. Wedding planners. Cripes.
8. While I love Jewish weddings and I do want to incorporate some of the traditions into my own, I don't think I want to get married in a synagogue. This would cause a fight of epic proportions with my dear mother. I mean WWIII epic. There is also a real possibility that the man I end up with will not be Jewish - cue my Mum crying now.
   

OK so looking back on this list now that I'm a bit older and wiser (HA!), I have some issues with it: My parents would KILL me. Literally murder me; I want a pretty white dress and to be (half) the center of attention; I have been forced to numerous showers/bachelorette parties/weddings, I want retribution! (only half kidding with this one); I really want my grandmother to be there - she is one of my best friends, and it would break her heart.

But I love the idea of spur of the moment realizing that you two are meant to spend the rest of your lives together, and wanting that moment to start right now without the drama and pressures of planning a huge affair. There is something so romantic and so personal about just being you and your partner. Ill also be the first one to admit that it would make a great story! And I love great stories.

Story time: My parents met on a blind date. On a Friday. And decided my the end of the weekend that they were going to get married. And then did. Now almost 30 yrs and 3 kids later they are still together, and happy. Well at least that's the story Ive been told since I was a child. After a few years ago doing some digging and asking my Aunts and Uncles I found out the real story. They were in fact a blind date, the weekend of Halloween. They announced their engagement at Thanksgiving to both families, and then were married the next September.

So I don't know if there is really a point to this post. But it was on my mind, so I thought Id share.

Addendum: I was just gchatting with one of my best girlfriend's, Vet Chick. We seem to have very similar thoughts on the matter. A lot of people are so obsessed with the "wedding" that they forget the most important factor is the marriage. So if this whole me as a wife thing ever comes to fruition, I want a small ceremony on top of some mountain or on a farm (with a fantastic photographer) then a celebration after the fact with just close close friends and family.

I('m in) love (with) you

Just a quick question: What is the difference, if any, between:

"I love you"

and

"I'm in love with you"

Discuss. Is one better than the other? I mean I would tell my best friends that I love them, but not that I am in love with them. So then is it considered a good thing for a significant other (SO) to tell you that they are in fact "in love with you" as opposed to them loving you the first time the word love is used?

Methods of Our Madness

I had gotten out of a relationship in Oct/Nov 2008 and was attempting to "date" again. It should be noted, I am a horrific dater. I never really had to do it before - I always just met someone and it "clicked." So I went through a month or two of trying to actually meet new people and go out on first (and usually only first) dates. This did not last that long. I was bad at it and in no way was it fun. But this entry came to me about in the middle of this dating exposition.

The following was originally posted in December 2008:

In the dating marketplace (and dating is basically a mercantile enterprise), we are searching for a commodity called a Relationship and we want just the right model to match our ideal of Mr. Right. We want someone with all the right attributes, whatever they may be - looks, brains, talent, income, prestige, style, religious beliefs… the list of requirements goes on and on. So we peruse, compare, evaluate, and consider, until we find the relationship commodity that best fits our requirements. Then we attempt to acquire it.

The Main Event: Dating

When we've made a choice (and been chosen) through whatever matchmaking methodology we've employed, we are ready to venture out on the extended test drive called Dating. This is when we take a long look at the merchandise, evaluate the handling, the responsiveness to our needs, the reliability, and, of course, the ease of maintenance. Is this model the right one for my active lifestyle? Will it enhance my image in the eyes of others? Is it suitable for everyday use or just weekend drives in the country? All these concerns and more are vetted during the Dating process.

Sometimes the Dating process ends very quickly. Our evaluative radar is on high alert. Is there “chemistry?” Are there any obvious flaws or faults, deal breakers or intolerable annoyances? Signs of ideological or religious incompatibility? Our antennae quiver alertly, our fingers hover over the relationship ejection button.
Many people have a hair-trigger inclination to dismiss a date out of hand with nothing more than a vague hunch or intuition as the basis for judgment. After all, who wants to get involved in the messy activity of building a relationship when you don’t like some... je ne sais qua?

If neither of you disqualify the other on the first encounter or two, you embark on the extended process of formal Dating. You are so damn lucky.
When two parties come together for the purpose of Dating, each side approaches with an expectation of the romantic happiness to which they feel they are entitled. Thus, a modern-day romantic relationship is essentially an exercise in entitlement: you must satisfy my needs or I will shop around for someone who will. “I want my needs met” is the war cry of relationship shoppers everywhere.

A Radical Redefinition of Relationship

The relationship-as-commodity model, based on the same logic on which we conduct our economic lives, is a failure in the world of love and romance. Even when both parties agree that the other adequately satisfies their needs, the relationship is nothing more than a dehumanizing transaction, an alienated arrangement that can be revoked, terminated, and abandoned at the whim of either party. The give-to-get equation, with it’s cold calculus and focus on self-gratification, is antithetical to a humane relationship, let alone one that produces romantic bliss.

The only way out of the state in which we find ourselves relationally speaking is to radically redefine what it means to engage in the activity of relationship. A relationship is not a transaction in which emotional goods are exchanged, as the relationship attorneys would have us believe. Rather, it is something built by the parties involved, an object of love that gets created, not exchanged.
I am not giving to satisfy your needs, and you are not giving to satisfy mine, but we are both giving to the relationship, which transcends yet includes both of us. Rather than giving in order to get, and obsessing over our needs, we both give in order to give, and marvel at the wonderful object of our creation, our Relationship.

Perhaps, in the forgotten words of John Lennon, I am a dreamer, but I hope I’m not the only one. I have no self-help plan, no glib Dr. Phil advice on how to achieve sure-fire relationship success. I am not even saying it would be easy. Giving for the sake of giving, for the sake of creating something with another person rather than getting something for oneself, is not an effort that lends itself to simple, paint-by-number steps. It requires a qualitatively different kind of activity, the kind of activity a mother engages in with her child, an artist with his work, a priest with his flock. There is almost a spiritual quality to it.

Can we imagine a way of dating that isn't organized like a serial job interview? Where objectification and evaluation are not the main activities? Where we could do other things, like create a relationship not based on idealized expectations but on the reality of who two people actually are? Perhaps, like imagining a world without divisive politics or religion, it seems hopelessly idealistic and naive.

If we could imagine it, we might also imagine having more than a single, eggs-one-basket relationship that must bear up under the stress and struggle of two people trying to get all their emotional needs met. Perhaps we wouldn't have to idealize and, some say, fetishize the couple. One can only imagine what that might free us to create with each other.

But a new way of relating is not easily conceived of or acted upon in this age of self-gratification. With the next relationship commodity just around the corner, why bother trying? I just want to get my needs met.

A Wishful Thinker's Intentions...

Where to begin?
I decided to start a blog. Why? Honestly, no idea. As I was commuting into work this morning on the train it suddenly came to me: All those random thoughts/ideas/nonsense that come to me for no reason, well I should make some sort of outlet to share. I guess its a bit narcissistic to think anyone would want to read anything that is going on in my brain - but alas, I think (ok I'm hoping) it will make me a little less neurotic.

Some basics.
I am going to try to keep this as anonymous as possible. So be prepared for my odd naming of people! For example, my three best friends shall be named: VetChick, TeachG and TeachS. Better idea, Ill just make it up as I go along.

Some basics about me.
I am a full time graduate student. And have been for a little too long. Also part of the reason I decided to start this blog - I have too much "sit in front of a computer bored" time on my hands. I currently live with my parents (laugh all you want, but with a grad student stipend, it works out quite well!) and commute to work/school on a daily basis.

Some basics about the blog.
This is actually my second attempt at blogging. I started one a little over a year ago. Then forgot about it. I think I will re-post some of the (well at least in my opinion) poignant entries from there over the next few days as a good way to ease into this new blog.

Let the blogging begin...